I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
