How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
