my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Randomize
