there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
