I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
He has the fingertips of a God
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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