He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
