In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
