Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize