There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Randomize
