I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
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