I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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