yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize