Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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