My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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