I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
