my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
