drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
