We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Randomize
