Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize