Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
