people are starting to question the shark bite story
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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