The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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