so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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