And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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