I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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