I haven't been this sober since birth.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I'm sobbing to NWA
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
