Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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