As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize
