When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
