when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
