From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I just gargled with NyQuil
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
