you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize