Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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