When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
