Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
