I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
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