Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
