be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
