Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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