just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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