new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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