I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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