she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
