before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Randomize
