I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
