the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
