apparently the secret to your success is patron
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Randomize
