she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
