i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
