This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
