just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
How does one acquire holy water?
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Randomize
