girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
the day after is always just damage control
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize