You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Randomize
