I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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