Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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