I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
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