walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
