wanna go halves on a baby?
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
