I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
