headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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