You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
