Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
