I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
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