I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
