Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
